Is Mental Health Support Conditional Based on Which Symptoms are Present?

Conditioning Ourselves to Care

With so much increased advocacy around mental health, it’s assumed most of us will respond with compassion and a desire to help, should someone we know be afflicted. Yet, can the same be said when anything other than ‘socially acceptable’ symptoms surface?

If a friend seems depressed, for example, we are likely to offer a concerned ear or help improve their mood. Likewise, with anxiety or excessive worry, we will no doubt reassure and give advice if we can.

Yet, these are just two symptoms among a gamut of less discussed ails like irritability, mania, rumination, agitation and anger.

Consequently, some sufferers might be unreasonable or irrational. They may verbally snap, seem controlling, disinterested or obsess repeatedly, meaning your concern and pity turns to hurt and frustration.

Fair enough. Moodiness and being spoken to poorly probably aren’t high on most of our fun lists. Yet, is it hypocritical to profess to be understanding and supportive of mental illness if that support is conditional, based on which symptoms are manifesting?

Obviously, if the illness is so acute it’s causing distress to others, it requires special handling left to professionals. Likewise, those who try to use the mentally ill card solely to excuse, or get away with, any kind of bad behaviour are a whole different beast.

But, otherwise, does the buck stop if a loved one is no longer just sad, they’re defensive and aggressive? Does our sympathy turn to fear and judgment if their garden variety anxiety becomes mania and substances are used to self-medicate?

From what I’ve observed, it often does.

Sadness being generally inward allows for easy approachability while anger, on the other hand, is often outward and might be directed at others. So when those emotions come at us, it makes sense we feel affronted, our own defenses triggered.

Yet, those more challenging symptoms can often indicate the problem is even more acute, and certainly no more the sufferer’s fault than any other. After all, the aggressive kitten removed from her mother prematurely cannot be blamed for the effect it’s had, and is perhaps powerless to change.

During one of my lowest periods, when I was at my loneliest and neediest, I lost a couple of friendships because I confronted a few as to why I didn’t hear from them more often. I later realised and admitted my tone was passive aggressive and I should have approached it differently.

Sadly though, apologising didn’t help. The damage was done and I’d been cut off. These people were aware of my mental illness and professed to be staunch mental health advocates. Yet I, a long time friend, was apparently unforgivable when my demons took a slightly tighter grip.

When a colleague of mine sunk into a deep depression after a string of devastation, I watched as the compassion and concern surrounding her turned cold and abruptly ended when she had an aggressive outburst at work, which was clearly a form of breakdown. Suddenly it didn’t seem to matter that she was ill and, at that moment, probably needed the support more than ever.

So, if dealing with a fuller and more realistic picture of mental illness is too much for you, by all means, admit it and turn the other cheek. However, think twice before claiming to be a supporter if you’re inclined to cherry pick which symptoms are acceptable, and try to take into account that less desirable symptoms are often the result of the greatest torment.